ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
