I wannas sexs uuuuu
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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