Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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