ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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