Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
