Sacagawea was the original milf.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
