Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
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