you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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