Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
