i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Watching her eat just hurts me
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
