I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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