I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I smell stomach acid.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
