Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
