I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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