just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
