a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
