my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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