I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
