Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
