oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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