"it" just moved
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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