I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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