he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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