It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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