I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
