Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
