there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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