How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you mean i was at the winter classic?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
