So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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