Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
