I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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