Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
