Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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