Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How naked do you want me to be?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
