fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
