Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
