I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
