guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
