I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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