so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
