you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
