Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
