The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
