The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
