question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
