i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
