There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
