My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm both gender and math confused
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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