I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Randomize
