If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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