My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
high people should be assigned attendants
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
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Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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