and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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