woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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