whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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