youre lurking in front of me
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
They took my balls.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
