I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
