Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
