PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
