A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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