I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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