I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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