my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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