Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
